Hook
The overwhelming evidence against God led me to become an atheist on January 11.
Exposition
My quest for the historical Jesus led to a more comprehensive intellectual investigation of the empirical and philosophical arguments for and against God and the Bible. I consumed books, articles, lectures, and debates.
Rising Action
The more I looked at the Bible, the more flawed it seemed. And much of it was nonsense, including a man who lived in the belly of a whale, a prophet who pointlessly cursed a fig tree, and a man who squeezed every species on the planet into a big boat. Supposedly, 500,000 Israelites died in a single battle, more than those who died in any single battle of WWII or in the entire U.S. Civil War.
Worse, the Bible revealed an ugly, evil God not worthy of worship even if he did exist. This God overturned free will, caused disaster, lied to his people and instructed them to lie, dismembered 42 children for calling Elisha bald, and murdered or ordered the murder of millions of innocent people (in the conquest of Canaan, the death of Egyptian firstborns, the Amalakite genocide, the 50,000 Beshemish people killed for looking into the ark of the covenant, and the great flood).
Philosophy was no kinder, for example in the omnipotence paradox, the Euthyphro dilemma, and other logical contradictions of the Christian God.
And of course the empirical evidence in the world points to a naturalistic worldview. If God loves and heals, why has he never regenerated an amputee’s limb? And why would God create squids with useless complex eyes underneath their working simple eyes, mole rats with useless eyes buried under a layer of skin, or humans with an appendix? These structures agree with evolution, not with an intelligent designer. And why is there no evidence of a worldwide flood?
Climax
Finally, I listened to several hours of an atheist radio show featuring two experienced, expert atheists who destroyed theist arguments persuasively and took calls from ignorant, angry believers. Atheist arguments were obvious and straightforward. Christian arguments were convoluted, backward, irrational, and always devolved into “you just have to have faith” when pressed. That was enough. I was convinced God could not exist.
It broke my heart. I was coming from a lifetime high of falling in love with the Jesus I thought I knew. My first day as an atheist was miserable. The next day, I wrote to the atheist radio show host:
I do not think I am strong enough to be an atheist. Or brave enough. I have a broken leg, and my life is much better with a crutch. I think I’m going to choose to hang on to my belief in a personal divine (though certainly not one asserted by any religion I’ve ever heard of) through my own anecdotal evidence of its existence. I’m going to seek genuine experience with God, to commune with God, and to reinforce my faith. I am going to avoid solid atheist arguments, because they are too compelling… I do not WANT to live in [an] empty, cold, ultimately purposeless universe in which I am worthless and inherently alone.
But I can’t come to know the truth and then ignore it. Two days later I told my dad and broke his heart.
I wanted desperately to recover the faith that had brought me so much joy and purpose. I asked close friends for help. I spent time with Christian apologist materials, which encouraged me that there might, after all, be a God. As it turned out, there are many problems inherant to atheism (the existence of morality, good, free will, and beauty), phenomena science cannot explain (consciousness, certain instances of irreducible complexity, much macro-evolution, finite history, miracles), and good counter-arguments to many of the atheist arguments that had destroyed my faith. But ultimately, the way of Jesus was the most beautiful thing I could think of, and worth living.
I have recovered my faith in a personal God expressed in Jesus, albeit with no other commitments yet (to the church, to theology, to religion, to doctrine, or to the Bible).
Denouement
I went looking for a fresh faith and God took me further than I wanted. Now I have a completely new faith, with few doctrines or traditions or religious hangups. I’m now free to seek God’s truth without intereferance from “2000 years of theological engineering and religious propaganda”.
But now I’m walking towards God with a limp. I’m scared about my gullibility and God’s mystery. I have questions he won’t answer. I want him to show himself unequivocally, but he hasn’t. I’m more motivated than ever to pray regularly and commune with his Spirit, because now I know I can’t do it in my own strength. I can be led astray. I’m not smart enough to figure it out. I am more dependent on God than ever.
I’ve been humbled. I was “doing discipleship” in my own strength, because I thought I was smart enough and disciplined enough. I would depend on God in my incompetancies, but not in my competancies. In this way, strengths were actually weaknesses. And, having surrendered my prideful and independent ways to him, I can see how my weakness is God’s strength.
I’ve repented. I was deceived because I did not let the Spirit lead me into truth. Now I ask for God’s guidance in all quests for knowledge and wisdom.
I feel like I’ve been born again, again.
Exit Music (for a short story) [link fixed]
words and music by Luke Muehlhauser
recorded on a $10 Skype headset, edited with freeware – how’s that for lo-fi?
January 17, 2007 at 4:09 pm
You are wise. Asking questions is great. Again i would really recommend Velvet Elvis, by Rob Bell, if i had to guess it might articulate some of what you are trying to wrap your head around… just a thought… sj
January 17, 2007 at 6:52 pm
I’m wondering why you have so much faith in Jesus now that you have renounced most other institutions of Christianity. By not believing in the bible, aren’t you leaving yourself with very few facts to go on regarding his life?
January 17, 2007 at 8:25 pm
apeoven,
Hard to explain. It’s not that I don’t believe the Bible, it’s that I haven’t yet figured out how to read it properly. I know for sure I can’t read it as literal history.
Maybe the key statement of my spiritual rebirth is “the way of Jesus was the most beautiful thing I could think of, and worth living.” By “way of Jesus”, I am speaking of the general character of Jesus that comes through our sources of Jesus somewhat undisputed, for example: humility, unconditional love, continual servanthood, non-materialism, and a focus on the kingdom of God and not any worldly kingdoms. That’s worth living.
I can feel my soul being filled when I pursue the way of Jesus and forsake the way of the world.
I appreciate your interest. Are you spiritual?
January 17, 2007 at 8:49 pm
No, I’m not really spiritual. First of all let me say the only information I’m going on here is this post and a couple others you have on this site, and some things you have posted on Listology, so I hope this doesn’t come off like I’m trying to give you advice or something like that, as I clearly don’t know you well enough to make any sort of judgments. I sort of went through the same thing you just did when I was like 11, after my father died, except of course I wasn’t asking as intellectual questions as you were and I wasn’t really able to comprehend the questions I was asking. Also, I don’t come from a very strong religious backround. But any way, what I’m trying to say is that honestly, I think there’s a possibility that your newfound faith won’t last. When I was going through this sort of thing, I really wanted to believe in something, but the conclusions I reached logically were too strong for any sort of faith on my part to overcome. I hope this doesn’t happen to you, as you seem to have a tremendous faith in the divine, and it seems to give you great joy and purpose.
Hope this doesn’t come off wrong, just offering some personal experience on my part.
January 17, 2007 at 11:37 pm
What a whirlwind of experiences in such a short time. I’m anxious to see how you proceed and the lessons you learn. I’d love to grab coffee with you soon, to see you before you go to Venezuela…
January 18, 2007 at 7:56 pm
I have grieved for you, and with you, over the past week. I too am truly amazed you could go on such a journey in such a short span of time. As I learn of this trek, I am also awed again at the “keeping power” of the Holy Spirit. You are ever in my prayers. — Mom
January 19, 2007 at 12:12 am
Luke,
I don’t even know what to say. How about “Didn’t see that one coming?” But that might just be my self-absorbtion in my own life’s trials and lack of attention to anyone else’s life…
Not that I have any great wisdom to impart or revelation from God but you know where to find me if you need a friend.
laj
January 19, 2007 at 2:16 pm
luke,
i really liked the story. thanks for writing it.