I have asked God, several times a day, to kill my pet Lizard, no matter how much it hurts! Also, since Friday, I’ve verbally commanded Satan and his demons through my authority in Christ each morning (and often, throughout the day as well).

My Lizard is Sexual Fantasy. It’s been with me, obviously, since I hit puberty. For several teenage years, it was my only source of pleasure; the only reason for me to bother with each miserable day. And so I’ve grown to depend on it, to crave it, to revel in it, to enjoy it more than anything. To go without it is terrifying. I honestly can’t imagine what life without sexual fantasy would be like; except that I imagine a world that is cold, dark, bland, lifeless, and frankly, not worth living. I’d rather just make excuses and keep my Lizard, but in my better moments I have faith that God can kill it without killing me, and that life without it will be better, for I will be dependent on one less thing. Eventually I’d like to be dependent only on God. At that point I will never be stronger and more capable!

I’ve been more successful at taking command of sexual fantasy since Friday than at any time I can remember since it was born in me, but it’s been second-by-second hard work most of the way. I’ll be honest: these have been the worst few days I’ve had in a long time, solely because of this struggle. Satan really laid into me on Friday evening, especially. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I must trust in God’s strength and provision, and I must trust that my life won’t be excruciating from now on; that there’ll be a turning point and the joy I find in God’s nature and music and people and beauty will be enough, without sexual fantasy.

I’ll keep you all (hi, mom!) posted. Pray.