January 8, 2007
Breathe, Luke. Just breathe. It’s gonna be okay.
Posted by lukeprog under Music, Personal Growth, SpiritualityI did a terrifying, devastating, and perhaps foolish thing today.
I permanently deleted my entire music collection.
You probably don’t understand what this means. Let me explain.
Remember my post about how my lust for music was taking over my life? I was constantly consuming music, illegally and to the loss of about 50 hours a week, so I decided to stop consuming music altogether.
That lasted two days.
Then I started consuming music faster than ever before. I recently downloaded, cataloged, and previewed more than 60 albums in a single day. I love music so much, and have such easy access to it that I couldn’t stop.
My addiction is unhealthy and wasteful, and is keeping me from being the man God is calling me to be. And like a drug, it makes me feel very good but is keeping me from being truly, deeply filled with joy.
So I deleted it all. Over 5,000 albums, most obscure and difficult to find. Truly, my life’s work. The product of thousands of hours of passionate hunting, reading, discussing, trading, and writing. Mostly stolen albums, hundreds of free and legitimate albums, and hundreds of albums I paid for properly. All gone. Forever.
I knew I couldn’t take the time to sort out the ones that were free or rightly purchased; that would still leave me with a very large collection and a wide open door for the temptation to build again on that collection. No, in order to free myself, I had to totally devastate myself.
I knew this was an area of my life I had not surrendered to God. Now I seek the simple path of daily brokenness before God.
Did I make the right choice? I don’t know. I begged God to tell me what to do, but I couldn’t hear him. So I did the thing that seemed most pure, most beautiful. My decision may have been stupid, but I hope God considers that I did it with good intentions.
How do I feel? Awful. I weep now as I type this, because I just threw away thousands of hours of intense pleasure. Nothing stirs my emotions like good music, and I had a limitless supply of it just a few minutes ago. Now it is all gone, and it seems a cold world that awaits me without it. Imagine the thing you love the most, the thing that keeps you going through the week, the thing that comforts you when you hurt, the thing that excites you to no end. Then imagine it suddenly and completely gone.
I don’t recall ever asking my readers for prayer before, but I ask it now. Please pray that I will remain faithful and not steal music ever again, that I will keep music surrendered to God, that I will fill the gaping hole left behind with the presence of God, and that I will continue to surrender other parts of my being to Christ’s lordship.
Breathe, Luke. Just breathe. It’s gonna be okay.
January 8, 2007 at 4:58 am
2 words. props and wow. congradulations. weather it be right, wrong, permanent, temporary, His will, or not, rest in the fact that it is done, you did it, and this means you care and love the Father. the Maker and Creater of the universe and all life is with you right this second smiling, just at your willingness and love for Him alone, and saying… I love you. Lord, i ask you to keep Luke strong and continue to teach him and show him your steps. Father i ask you fill him up and overflowing with your peace. clear His mind of worry, regret and emptiness. Father, last, i ask that you keep him strong in Truth that when he screws up in life in anyway, as long as he keeps walking… its all good. thanks Lord.let Your Kingdom Come. Peace and blessings to you, bro. later
-Jeremy
http://www.myspace.com/highrpowr
January 8, 2007 at 5:46 pm
WOW!! You are so courageous! And so determined to follow as best you can, to stumble forward. Even if you are uncertain if you are going straight forward of not, you know it is in the right general direction, toward knowing and honoring God! He will bless that. I’m so proud of you and I will pray. I know how hard it is to surrender something you deeply love, that enthralls your heart, in order to let you heart become more free to be enthralled by Jesus. The grief is intense at times, but every step you take toward HIM you will be closer to real life and deeper joy that only he can provide. And some day you will be able to “enjoy with detachment” the other blessings he gives, like music.
You have my prayers and deep empathy. And hopefully the example that there is deeper life and strength after a major surrender like this.
I love you and am so proud of you, dad
January 8, 2007 at 8:36 pm
Luke,
I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been for you. When I first read your post, I was a bit shocked…it seemed like such a drastic step. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that you were right. Your relationship with music needs to be built on the right foundation…you needed to strip yourself naked before God.
I applaud your choice. And I’ll pray for you.
January 9, 2007 at 8:51 pm
May God bless you, brother. Love God; hate sin. I pray that you will not be tempted to resent or regret your decision. I have had to grieve the loss of things and people that had power over me and caused me to sin. It’s like cutting off a hand, or plucking out an eye, but sometimes you must do that, to save the rest of your body. Better to enter the kingdom maimed, than to go to hell intact -Mt 18:8. Keep your eyes on the prize -Phil 3:13.
January 11, 2007 at 12:30 pm
It’s days now since this post. I knew about the post early, but couldn’t bear to read it until now. I grieve with you, my son, because I love you and I have watched your intense enjoyment of music (and been your courier for many library cds!)
You are brave, very brave…and now, having somewhat recovered my own shock and grief, I can applaud you for your daring; and praise our God and Father for drawing you, purifying you. Yes, may He fill all the spaces now available to Him!!
–Mom
January 11, 2007 at 5:47 pm
You are brave, full of courage, and I am proud to pray for you…
February 13, 2007 at 8:18 pm
why not just listen to bands that give music out for free, or allow taping/trading of shows?
I don’t even believe downloading music is illegal, or morally “stealing”. Not illegal because our copyright laws are very outdated (and no one in the US ever goes to court with the RIAA, they settle out of court), and not stealing because the artist has not lost anything. I’ve bought 100+ cds based on the 600 or so albums I downloaded. Would the artists rather I download nothing and but only a couple cds I know I’d like?
Couldn’t a better idea perhaps have been to buy an external drive, put it all on there, and maybe lock it up somewhere or give it someone you trust? Just take a break from music if it’s become an obsession. After a while you’ll find other things to occupy your time, and you can start listening to music again without it being an obsession.
A file recovery program may be your friend… but just remember that unhealthy obsessions are always bad, whether you’re a religious person or not…